01. On Why He'll Never Touch Drugs Again
"I will not believe that if I do something then I have to follow a certain path because it was written for normal people, people who aren't special, people who don't have tiger blood and Adonis DNA."
02. Addressing Rumors He's Bipolar
"I'm bi-winning. I win here and I win there. Now what? If I'm bipolar, aren't there moments where a guy like crashes in the corner like, 'Oh my God, it's all my mom's fault!' Shut up! Shut up! Stop! Move forward."
03. On Plans to Sue CBS for Shutting Down His Show
"They're trying to destroy my family, so I take great umbrage with that. And defeat is not an option. They picked a fight with a warlock."
04. On Why He Deserves a $3 Million Paycheck for Two and a Half Men
"I'm tired of pretending I'm not special. I'm tired of pretending I'm not a total bitchin' rock star from Mars. People can't figure me out. They can't process me. I don't expect them to. You can't process me with a normal brain."
05. On Why He's a "Winner"
"I'm sorry, man, but I've got magic. I've got poetry in my fingertips. Most of the time -- and this includes naps -- I'm an F-18, bro. And I will destroy you in the air. I will deploy my ordinance to the ground."
06. Addressing His Substance Abuse Issues
"I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available because if you try it once you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body. It's too much."
07. Regarding Comments Made By Two and a Half Men Creator Chuck Lorre
"I fire back once and this contaminated little maggot can't handle my power and can't handle the truth. I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words -- imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists."
08. On His Estranged Wife Brooke Muller's Restraining Order
"Great. I was already planning on staying 100 parsecs away from her." (A parsec is a Star Wars unit of length equalling 3.26 light-years.)
09. On His Porn Star "Family"
"Let me say this about the Goddesses, I don't think the term is good enough, but when you're bound by these terrestrial descriptions, you must use the best term available. So if you think about it, dude, I'm 0-for-3 in marriage, but like in baseball, the scoreboard doesn't lie. Never has. So what we all have is a marriage of the hearts. And to sully, contaminate, or radically disrespect this unit with a shameful contract is something I'll leave to the amateurs and bible grippers."
10. On the Possibility of Relapsing
"No. Not going to. Period. The end. I blinked and I cured my brain. Can't is the cancer of happen."
